“He’s not going to get in touch”
“He’s gone off me”
“He’s seeing someone else”
“He doesn’t fancy me anymore”.
“I am totally unlovable”
Just a few thoughts that plague the mind of a person living with an anxious attachment style. Sure, everyone in the dating pool – and often way into relationships – feels insecure sometimes but if you are condemned to an anxious attachment style, these type of thoughts are like a poisoned ivy creeping round your brain and your heart every day of your life. And it’s exhausting.
According to the psychologists, there are three types of attachment style – Anxious, Avoidant and Secure – and it is thought that these stem from our relationships in our early years with parents etc. Whatever the reasons for our style, changing style is very difficult to do especially as, weirdly, the more anxious your style, the more likely you are to go for people with an avoidant style (I’ll simplify it: the commitment-phobes, cheaters and ‘fuckboys’). Which makes the vicious circle even more vicious.
The worst thing about anxious attachment is that it makes an otherwise confident and strong person a shadow of themselves. And often it is a private struggle they deal with well behind-the-scenes. At work we’re told to ‘fake it till we make it’ if we feel daunted by something and so off we go projecting to the world that we are bulletproof. Inside, however, we can be a tangle of contradiction and fear that the real ‘us’ will be discovered.
The same is true in our personal lives. In our attempt to quash our anxious attachment style, we don our suit of armour as we hit up the dating scene. People are impressed by our outgoing and fun-loving personality and think how “chilled” we are. And because we’ve become such good actors, we can keep up the pretence for days, weeks, months…even years. While we’re busy portraying that we are the coolest date in town, however, the reality is that we are facing a daily battle with the mind weeds that are tell us the happiness will be short-lived. Every text and conversation is analysed to the endth degree, you have a regular sick feeling in the pit of the stomach (what I call ‘swallowing the breeze blocks’) and you can rarely just relax and go with it, even if on the outside it appears you can.
Sooner or later, the pressure cooker goes off and these feelings bubble to the surface. Whether it is the odd loaded comment, sulking or silent treatment or possibly even a massive drunken meltdown. All of a sudden, the landscape has changed and the other person becomes aware they’ve been mis-sold. Which is when the problems begin. Unless they have a Secure attachment style and love you enough warts-and-all to help you through it, it is pretty bad news and, sadly, this is unlikely as most Anxious people go for the polar opposite – the Avoidant. As a result, the Anxious and the Avoidant get locked into a power struggle that rarely ends well. The more the Avoidant pulls away, the more the Anxious craves them and wants to ‘turn the ship around’. You’d think the Avoidant’s natural response would be run a mile but they can often stay trapped in the cycle too because the Anxious goes back to being aloof to regain their sense of self or because the Avoidant realises if the ‘Commitment’ word ever comes up, they can play on the Anxious’s disposition and infatuation with them to evade the issue. Also, more worryingly, the Anxious will always provide the Avoidant with a response or a bit of validation to massage their fragile egos (the Anxious is a lamb to the slaughter when chucked a “Hey x” bone). This merry dance can go on for a long time until one of you breaks the spell.
So, what can you do if you are an Anxious or you know one:
1. Don’t tell yourself or an Anxious person to just “think positively”. That’s like telling a depressed person to “man up”. Utterly futile.
2. However, it is easier to accept the way you are built once you’ve recognised it and realise it is possible to break the cycle and find peace in your relationships
3. First stop is to be less afraid to take off your suit of armour and tell people you struggle sometimes. It is hard to do but people will want to help.
4. It sounds obvious but fill your life with fun stuff, hobbies, exercise and plans. An anxious person tends to spend a disproportionate amount of time thinking about relationships. Any moment away from that is a moment of freedom to be cherished. There is way more to life than some one-way half relationship too.
5. Really reflect on your ‘type’. The nice guy who is always there for you may not create the excitement or drama you crave but he might you lead you to a lot more calmness.
6. Write down a list of all your past partners and relationships and look for unhealthy patterns. Then transfer these into a red flag book for next time.
7. In fact, write a lot. Write down how you feel in a diary or a blog as, not only can it be cathartic but can also help when you look back once the moment (or latest wasteman) has passed.
8. Commit some time to being totally dating/relationship-free. Everyone needs a holiday from the rollercoaster sometimes. Maybe take regular phone holidays too. Anxiouses tend to be slaves to them!
9. Learn to play the ‘long game’. Being anxious can make you think and act rashly. It is a hard habit to break. But you have to try. Building up a million negative scenarios is pointless and, actually, can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
10. (Actually, maybe this should have been number 1). Read ‘Attached’ by Dr Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. It is truly a lifesaver.
Swapping Breeze Blocks for Butterflies 