“Next time I won’t respond”.

Why are some people Narcissistic, even borderline sociopathic?

More to the point, why would any grown up, smart, successful, independent person find themselves attracted to the kind of behaviour that Narcissists and sociopaths exhibit? And why, once they fell victim, would they not break free from it as soon as they could?

Well, friends, the answer to those questions I still don’t have but what I do know is that it can lead to the most exhausting and mentally stressful relationships you will ever embark on. So exhausting and mentally stressful that you may decide to cut yourself off from dating and relationships altogether.

Yes, as you were probably surmising, this post is a bit of a retrospective. Not completely retro I am disappointed to report because I still live only ever one small step away from being sucked backed into the Narcissistic ‘Vortex’ but I am working on strategies to stop it before it starts.

So, yeah, I was beguiled by a Narcissist. I lived with him, I married him, I divorced him and then replaced him with another (FFS, learn would ya?). I also had a child with him and that means, for the time being at least, I can never be free. It is 3 years since we split up, my ex has a new partner and yet, the mind games continue. With the exception of one or two close friends, no-one understands my daily struggle. Those that do are my lifeline and I imagine have found themselves in similar situations. A few I have confided in don’t get it at all. “Ignore him”, they say. “Turn your phone off”. One person even remarked that I maybe “sort of enjoy” it??

But here’s the thing. Logically you need to ignore them and you want to for your own sanity. “Next time I won’t respond” becomes your mantra. But you can’t ignore it. They make sure you can’t ignore it. You turn your phone off, they’ll find another way of contacting you because Narcissists are at their worst when ignored. They will employ every strategy they have to find your Achilles Heel and keep themselves in your life and your head.

Recently I wanted to take my daughter abroad on holiday. This fanned Narcissistic ex’s flames, no doubt because he couldn’t bear that we were off to have a good time without him. On a good day I probably receive 20-30 texts, emails or calls from him ranging along the spectrum of nice/normal/functional/mean/nasty/vile but, on this particular day, it was nearer the 100 mark. I was doing what all good advice tells you. Ignoring it or replying with only the most diplomatic or factual of answers. Not taking the bait and the violin routine and trying to stay calm. But the vortex was particularly strong that day. Because ignoring or curtailing meant, all of a sudden, he upped the ante. He wasn’t going to give me permission to take her away unless I practically begged and, if I didn’t, he’d send the police to the airport to stop me. The night before you’re due to go away after months of working hard and that.

It’s exhausting and it makes you not want to function. But you have to function. You have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and working out ways to minimise the impact. You have to think of ways of protecting your little one from the impact it will have. Because I have already seen signs of the emotional blackmail that give narcissists their lifeblood being put at her door by him. At 7 years old.

I am fully convinced Narcissism is actually an illness. A personality disorder which can be easily disguised by a person appearing totally normal to most people, often types who are “the life and soul of the party”. And that’s attractive, right? So you get attracted and they make you feel a million dollars and then, bit by bit, they chip away at you and the world changes from exciting and happy to a dark, lonely place and they are so skilled you don’t even realise it is happening. You have served your purpose and they make you feel worthless. You try to re-connect with them and they just make you feel small. So, finally you can take no more so you leave but that takes away the attention from them and they can’t bear that. So they don’t let you completely “leave”. They make sure their presence is felt in any way they can – positive or negative. They don’t care really so long as they are still in your head. And they will ALWAYS turn it round on you and make everything your fault or that you “brought it on yourself”.

So often I question whether I am part of the problem and whether I make it worse and why? why? why? I had to fall for him and others like him. I guess there is some deep-seated psychological reason but maybe it explains my hesitation about giving myself up fully to other relationships at the moment. Firstly, it has laid me bare and, secondly, it would be tough being a significant other in my life during the Vortex. Really. Bloody. Tough.