Navigating the post-Divorce dating waters

It seems to be the rage to write about “things you wish you’d known before [enter relevant life stage]” and, not wishing to be an outlier, I have thought about mine and which were the most prominent. 

It’s easy to forget the transitions although I do clearly remember the shift from 20s to 30s . I loved it and felt so much more ‘sorted’. But then I also went down the well-trodden path of marriage and motherhood and the next big shift has been the post-divorce years. So, here I am, 3.5 years post-marriage breakdown and I’m finding more and more people in the same boat as me. They said I should share my tales and provide the benefit of hindsight.

The first thing that I learnt is that, although I thought the end of the World was nigh, life really can begin at divorce. Don’t get me wrong, it was a huge deal. It took me nearly 2 years to get to the decision stage to kick my husband out. Even though I had been cheated on horribly – and repeatedly – I had a 3 year old. I had a 3 year old and I wanted the 3 year old to have a sibling. It is amazing what you are prepared to put up with when those two planets collide. But, ultimately, my self-respect and self-esteem were more important than the clanging of my biological clock and the maternal guilt klaxon. He had to bloody go! And you know what? Yes, I was sad but, oh the blessed relief. And, oh the fun I’ve had since.

The holidays I’ve been on, the new friends I’ve made, the challenges I’ve taken on, the renewed focus I’ve had at work – they have all made for the most rewarding 3.5 years imaginable but probably where the most wisdom has come from has been the eye-popping journey that is post-divorce dating. The following shouldn’t be taken as gospel, nor is it intended to put anyone off because the possibilities are endless and I know a great number of people that have found love second time round. But you can be vulnerable when you come out of a marriage and so it pays to be a bit savvy and a bit realistic. So what have I learnt?

Well, after the tissues had been used up, I decided it was time to get back on the ‘horse’. Dear God, I didn’t realise the horse would be like that though. Online dating was the preserve of the desperate the last time I was single but, fast forward to 2013, and it was the biggest game in town. And what a minefield! I know every trick in the book now and exactly what to expect but, back then, wet behind the ears, I had no idea to expect the following to happen:
– Crying the first time a Guardian Soulmates dude stopped replying when we were having a really nice chat (after I’d imagined us living out our natural lives together with our perfect ready-made step family).
– Crying the first time I had sex with someone other than my husband (especially as he – very unceremoniously -tried to ram his finger up my arse)
– Crying on and off for 2 months the first time I was ‘ghosted’ (when someone you clicked with hugely disappears into thin air).
*Footnote, looking back at all the crying, possibly, just possibly, I wasn’t quite ready for getting back on the horse).
– Thinking going for my first post-divorce date at Pizza Express  was acceptable (rolling eye Emoji right there).
– Being flattered that 24 year olds were really into ‘MILFs’ like me (and saying “oi oi” quite a lot) and then being surprised when they shit their nappies when you actually want to give them a ‘test ride’.
– (As a well-brought up individual) feeling really bad for not responding even when the guy is old enough to be your granddad, has a mullet, proudly does yoga and states, without a hint of shame, that he went to the ‘University of Life’. (Brackets – the feeling really bad thing subsides a bit when your online dating mojo is flying high but you will have pangs of guilt occasionally).
– Oh yeah, talking of the online dating mojo, when this takes hold, loving being the toast of your married friends’ group chat when you are arranging 2 dates in a day. They particularly love that!
– Rewriting my online dating profile a thousand times. I think it is universally accepted that, despite going through the wringer of marriage breakdown, people hit the dating scene playing it real cool and trying to make it crystal clear that they are a laidback chick with a million interests designed to make people think “wow, how is she single?”. In reality, you are still fragile AF, with your self esteem down by your knees and prone to random bouts of crying (see above). Don’t worry, though, 3 years in, you won’t give a toss and will cut out all the bullshit and be there with your 2 liner no-frills pitch of what you are about and what you are and aren’t looking for. Clinical.
– Spending inordinate sums on a new make-up and beauty regime and possibly even a studio photo portrait to casually pop into your online profile. Upon which, you will then spend the rest of your life agonising over whether these blemish-free works of art are a true reflection of self.
– Not going to labour the point on the unsolicited ‘dick pic’ stuff as has been done to death now but from feeling outraged initially, I moved seemlessly to laughing hysterically with my mates at the poor fool, his angry-looking member and obvs the sundry items in the background of the photo. (My particular favourite was the guy with the crucifix on his bedroom door).
– Discovering how much fakery the internet encourages. People can and do bullshit for Britain so keep your wits, your personal details and your intuition about you! If it seems too good to be true, it definitely will be.
– Having a fling with someone way out of your league. This will almost certainly happen and you won’t be able to believe your luck. A little voice inside your head will start saying that THIS is why it didn’t work out with your husband and even start rattling off the whole “when one door closes another one opens” claptrap. By all means, feel great about it and definitely enjoy it while it lasts…because it won’t! Soz. 
– Not me personally as I am a demon at NOT drunk dialling but I have it on good authority that most will drunkenly call out the shit behaviour of the guy they are dating (especially if it’s Mr Out of League) and then spend the next week berating themselves and fearing he will never contact them again (he will – they always come back – but try to rid yourself of this habit as it’s definitely not cool or fitting of a woman who has come of age).

So, there are a few things I’ve learnt. There are many others but have probably said enough for now. BUT, lest my experiences come across as some jaundiced account of life definitely NOT beginning after divorce, let me offer some reassurance that all of this should be embarked on lightheartedly, as a rite of passage and a bloody, bloody, bloody good laugh. Doubtless you have spent years with some grumpy old sod whose socks stank a bit, had let himself go, had thought buying you a pasta maker was a romantic birthday gift and who had massively taken you for granted. So, make the most of all of the above. It might take you on a rollercoaster, it might not be how you pictured middle age but, believe me, it will help you develop a better sense of self than you have ever had.

Happy Anniversary to Me!

I never forget a date (or, strangely, a phone number) and since I don’t, what better way to celebrate closure than today?

A year ago tonight, I lay in a swanky hotel room right next to 007 but, at the same time, a million miles away from him. I’m not the greatest sleeper at the best of times but, as the tears dripped down my cheeks, I wondered whether I had the stealth to gather all my stuff up and run off into the night. It is something I will always regret not at least trying as it was the longest, crappiest night ever. (And he snored – dick).

We’d spent all day together, gone for coffee, gone to an event together, gone for lunch (though, admittedly, that was shit as he was Paleo-tastic and given up drinking – yawn!) and then gone to his hotel for afters. We got on so well and laughed loads all day and even though I knew nothing was going to come of it, it didn’t stop me dreaming of what might be.

And, then, during the pillow talk, he dropped the bombshell. The confirmed bachelor – who I’d been sleeping with for a year – grinned and without even a hint of remorse announced he was “seeing someone. She’s a real cutie”. If I had bollocks, I daresay it would have felt like I’d been kicked in them. “Er hello? You do realise you are in bed with another human being. One who you’ve known for 10 years and who, like most human beings, has feelings?”….is what I should have said. What I actually said was “oh ok, what’s she like?” and then lay there all night while he turned his back on me hating every fibre of my own being. ‘Swapping breeze blocks for butterflies’, remember HTS1, you STUPID FUCKING BINT?!

I was so happy when morning came so I could scramble my stuff together and jog the hell on outta there. He wondered why I was getting up at 6 but thank God I had booked myself on the first train. I cried all the way back to London and vowed I would never hurt myself like that again. I’d always given him more chances because of the “we’ve got shared history” BS and because I’d not see him for a while and think I could handle NSA because “I had needs” and “oh fuck it, he is so fit”. Even “ha ha, he was friends with my ex-husband”. But, no. They were all me making excuses and it was time to admit that every time I saw him, my heart broke a little bit more and that I had to make it stop.

And so I did. He has contacted me a few times over the last year and each time the compulsion to respond has got less and less. A few weeks ago he got in contact to see if I’d be going to this event again this year and I managed not to reply. It took fucking forever but I am over him. And he would bloody hate that!

The struggle with Toxic Bachelors

I need to give a shout-out to Sex and the City (and the Urban Dictionary) for helping me find nuggets that “nutshell” my life just at the moment I need them.

It has been a challenging few weeks over at HTS1 Towers. The long drawn-out saga with Emotionally Unavailable Man (EUM) finally reached its denouement and, though I shouldn’t have been surprised by the outcome, I confess it hit me like a freight train.

To recap, EUM was someone I met on Tinder in Jan 2014. The first person I met on Tinder actually and someone I fell for pretty quickly. I have never fathomed how or why as he is so far from my usual type, it’s not even funny. But hey, the laws of attraction are as unfathomable as he turned out to be. We saw each other for 3 months and then he ghosted me out of nowhere including failing to show up for my 40th. Nice touch.

Anyway, fast forward to my 41st birthday and, by some strange twist of fate, I was out in town and bumped into him. And though he was vague about what happened, things began to start up again and I decided to give him another chance although it took another 4 months before it really began to become a “thing”. Because I was so ghosting-aware, I was very guarded but here is where I probably made my fatal error. My guard was so high, no boundaries were drawn. I kept it casual to avoid getting in too deep again and hurt. But to all intents and purposes we were dating. We spoke daily, he was definitely more than a friend with benefits but it was never labelled. He brought the ‘relationship’ subject up a few times (usually after a few beers) but the combination of me saying I wasn’t sure about labels and him saying it and then going off the radar for 3/4 days, meant it was never something we came to a landing on.

There were a few moments over the year where this grey area stuff came to a head. My friend seeing him on Bumble for example with selfies he’d taken to send to me. I was angry but what right did I have given I still had profiles up and had also had a one-night stand, been on other dates and still classed myself as single?

When it happened for the second time though, with a whole batch of photos taken specially for me, I called him out on it and told him I couldn’t do what we were doing anymore. At that point he dropped the ‘commitment’ word into the equation and, that time, I didn’t shy away from it. Unfortunately the ‘c’ word came exactly at the same time as a job offer for him to go and work abroad. For a year, maybe more. He wanted the job and there was no way I was going to stand in the way of his career so we agreed we would spend the rest of the time we had together in a proper relationship and cross the work posting thing when we came to it. Christ, he even talked about going on a mini break.

I finally relaxed, let the guard down, felt excited and content and then…the slow fade. It crept up on me at first but it wasn’t long before my good friend, gut instinct, began to pipe up. And since then, he strangled it slowly, slowly, slowly to death to the point where he is leaving for his new chapter without saying goodbye. We had a few exchanges along the lines of me going “wtf?” and him giving me the odd platitude and breadcrumb here and there. But it’s done. I’m done. I am not giving this man another second of my time.

I am fully convinced he is so in the grip of toxic bachelordom, that even if he hadn’t been going abroad, the outcome would have been the same. He’s 41, never lived with anyone, never had a relationship that’s lasted more than a year, forever swiping and only flirting with the ‘c’ word when the chips are down.

Toxic bachelors – in my experience – like the theory of a relationship and settling down but, when push comes to shove, they freak, freeze and fuck off.

And he is, by far, not a unique case. Given my age bracket, my friends’ experiences and the usual online dating suspects that keep popping up like a ‘whack-a-mole’, I know plenty of dudes in the same situation. Always searching, never compromising, never quite ready to grow up.

And so, I start again. I know I played my part and keeping him at arm’s length for so long probably didn’t help but I was always there for him and showed him I cared in so many ways. And…I would NEVER have left without saying goodbye.

Why being a single mum shouldn’t define me

I am ridiculously hungover after a day and night out drinking with a load of 30 something lovely ladies. And when I’m hungover, I am usually as scratchy and stabby as hell. So when I went on Twitter and read a tweet by someone who said he was ‘heartbroken’ that a woman he liked turned out to have kids, it irritated me. It turns out the person posting it probably just used unfortunate language and was a bit pissed when they tweeted it so my only thought on it is that it is a shame people are ruled out sometimes because they have a past.

The thing that gripped me more though was a follow-up tweet that read “I’ve tried to date single mum’s (sic) before. Never worked”.

And here’s the thing. Not all single mums are equal. In fact, dare I go as far as to suggest that all single mums are – as well as being Mums (and single) are also…..individuals? If you can point me in the direction of someone who doesn’t have a past, I would be very interested in meeting them.

Yes I have a child and I bring her up on my own. She is also the most amazing and precious thing this life has delivered me. But, I also have…a degree, my own house, a great salary and a whole bucketload of interests and exciting things going on. So, why wouldn’t I be equally as defined by those things too?

I and many of my single mum peers are ruled out by some because we happen to have kids. In fact, this is one of the overriding reasons I don’t do online dating anymore because my status appears to be such a dealbreaker and yet, when I meet people in real life, they get to know me first and usually the fact that I am a mother is an utter irrelevance. And nine times out of ten, if people get the chance to meet my daughter, she captures their heart too.

Anyway, each to their own but I do think it is sad people are so black and white about this because actually those close-minded people might get to know those children and be a wonderful addition to their lives and vice versa. We all have dating red lines and that is everyone’s prerogative but there is a whole myriad of people out there who have things to offer beyond the fact that they happen to have put another human being on the planet.

*Drops mic*

“Next time I won’t respond”.

Why are some people Narcissistic, even borderline sociopathic?

More to the point, why would any grown up, smart, successful, independent person find themselves attracted to the kind of behaviour that Narcissists and sociopaths exhibit? And why, once they fell victim, would they not break free from it as soon as they could?

Well, friends, the answer to those questions I still don’t have but what I do know is that it can lead to the most exhausting and mentally stressful relationships you will ever embark on. So exhausting and mentally stressful that you may decide to cut yourself off from dating and relationships altogether.

Yes, as you were probably surmising, this post is a bit of a retrospective. Not completely retro I am disappointed to report because I still live only ever one small step away from being sucked backed into the Narcissistic ‘Vortex’ but I am working on strategies to stop it before it starts.

So, yeah, I was beguiled by a Narcissist. I lived with him, I married him, I divorced him and then replaced him with another (FFS, learn would ya?). I also had a child with him and that means, for the time being at least, I can never be free. It is 3 years since we split up, my ex has a new partner and yet, the mind games continue. With the exception of one or two close friends, no-one understands my daily struggle. Those that do are my lifeline and I imagine have found themselves in similar situations. A few I have confided in don’t get it at all. “Ignore him”, they say. “Turn your phone off”. One person even remarked that I maybe “sort of enjoy” it??

But here’s the thing. Logically you need to ignore them and you want to for your own sanity. “Next time I won’t respond” becomes your mantra. But you can’t ignore it. They make sure you can’t ignore it. You turn your phone off, they’ll find another way of contacting you because Narcissists are at their worst when ignored. They will employ every strategy they have to find your Achilles Heel and keep themselves in your life and your head.

Recently I wanted to take my daughter abroad on holiday. This fanned Narcissistic ex’s flames, no doubt because he couldn’t bear that we were off to have a good time without him. On a good day I probably receive 20-30 texts, emails or calls from him ranging along the spectrum of nice/normal/functional/mean/nasty/vile but, on this particular day, it was nearer the 100 mark. I was doing what all good advice tells you. Ignoring it or replying with only the most diplomatic or factual of answers. Not taking the bait and the violin routine and trying to stay calm. But the vortex was particularly strong that day. Because ignoring or curtailing meant, all of a sudden, he upped the ante. He wasn’t going to give me permission to take her away unless I practically begged and, if I didn’t, he’d send the police to the airport to stop me. The night before you’re due to go away after months of working hard and that.

It’s exhausting and it makes you not want to function. But you have to function. You have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and working out ways to minimise the impact. You have to think of ways of protecting your little one from the impact it will have. Because I have already seen signs of the emotional blackmail that give narcissists their lifeblood being put at her door by him. At 7 years old.

I am fully convinced Narcissism is actually an illness. A personality disorder which can be easily disguised by a person appearing totally normal to most people, often types who are “the life and soul of the party”. And that’s attractive, right? So you get attracted and they make you feel a million dollars and then, bit by bit, they chip away at you and the world changes from exciting and happy to a dark, lonely place and they are so skilled you don’t even realise it is happening. You have served your purpose and they make you feel worthless. You try to re-connect with them and they just make you feel small. So, finally you can take no more so you leave but that takes away the attention from them and they can’t bear that. So they don’t let you completely “leave”. They make sure their presence is felt in any way they can – positive or negative. They don’t care really so long as they are still in your head. And they will ALWAYS turn it round on you and make everything your fault or that you “brought it on yourself”.

So often I question whether I am part of the problem and whether I make it worse and why? why? why? I had to fall for him and others like him. I guess there is some deep-seated psychological reason but maybe it explains my hesitation about giving myself up fully to other relationships at the moment. Firstly, it has laid me bare and, secondly, it would be tough being a significant other in my life during the Vortex. Really. Bloody. Tough.

Exercise and Dating (unabridged)

I recently did an interview for Look Magazine about dating fit guys. There were quite a few questions and some were edited out so I thought I’d share the full story.

Q. How long have you been into fitness for?
A. For 13 years.

Q. How fit would you say you are?
A. Very. Train 6 days a week and compete regularly.

Q.How often do you work out?
A. 6 days a week.

Q. And you’re looking for a man who is as into fitness as you?
A. Not all men I have dated have been as into fitness as me but I generally gravitate towards sporty people as they “get it” and it gives us things to talk about. It also inevitably leads to banter and friendly competition.

Q. Why?
A. Being an active person can make you impatient with people who aren’t. I’m an early bird and one boyfriend was a night owl. We were like passing ships! Needless to say, it didn’t work out (and nor did he!).

Q. What benefits do you think there are to dating a super fit man?
A. Aside from the obvious aesthetic benefits, a super fit man won’t resent the time I spend training. Especially when training for competitions, I can be very focused and possibly a bit one-dimensional. The last thing I need is a hard time from someone ‘competing’ for my attention or moaning.

Q. How are you going about finding men as fit as you? On dating apps? At the gym?
A. I am a member of a number of clubs and meet people there or tend to go for those with similar interests online. I have tried specific fitness dating apps but nothing ever really progressed. I would say, though, that if you are into fitness or have lots of hobbies or interests generally, dating becomes less of a focal point and certainly less- pressured. For one thing, you look forward to getting into your own bed and sleeping a lot!

Q. Have you ever done something fitnessy as a first date?
A. Yes! All my friends laugh at me but I have been swimming for a first date. It wasn’t till I stripped down to my swimming costume that it struck me as slightly unusual to be dressed like that on a first date! I let him win though as I didn’t want to totally scare him off!

Q. If you’ve dated men who aren’t fit in the past, was that a problem? Why?
A. Answered above really. Fitness in others isn’t my be all and end all but it does tend to help especially as most of my hobbies and holidays are built around training or racing. Your partner also needs to be your number one ‘cheerleader’ and if they aren’t into it, it can be dull for them and make me feel a bit guilty. Also, there are certain things I could never do now – like date a smoker.

Q. Have you encountered any other problems when looking for super fit men? Are they vain, for example?
A. Super fit men can be incredibly vain, yes, and in the age of Instagram and the selfie, often you can feel you are playing second fiddle to the mirror. I think it also makes them greedy and if guys are super ‘dench’ they are much more likely to want to ‘play the field’. The other issue I have encountered is a jealousy or overspill on the competition front. I “chicked” a guy once (i.e: did a quicker time than him). He didn’t like that one little bit. Sulked for forever : )

Q. Are men who are fitter better in bed? Stamina and all that?
A. They do tend to last the distance longer and can make it like some sort of amateur acrobatics set-up! The downside is that if the hotter and more field-playing, they are, they less technique they have. As Carrie said in Sex and The City: ” Men who are too good looking are never good in bed because they never had to be”.

Act in haste, repent at leisure.

Men.

Men.

Men.

Don’t get me wrong, I bemoan them a lot and come across as a right bitter, twisted, whinging old misandrist at times but, I really am not. I love men, I like men, I can’t live with or without them, I have many male friends (no, not that kind – I’m not a slapper!) and I am certainly not on some crusade to annihilate them.

But, holy crap, can they make some dumbass decisions sometimes? I know what you’re going to say – that women can too and I don’t dispute that but the recent examples I am dealing with just beggar belief and make me [insert rolling eyes emoji].

Last night for example, Kristina Rihanoff announced that her and Ben Cohen are going to have a baby. None of my business, you might say. True. None at all, let them get on with it etc except that these two (allegedly) began an affair whilst he was still married and whilst they were working together (two big no-nos in my book). His poor ex-wife not only had to deal with the very-public fallout of that but, before the divorce is even through, his new chick is announcing a pregnancy on ‘Celebrity Big Brother’ of all places. Pity his poor 8-year old twins rocking up to school this morning with that breaking news. Idiot.

Then there is Duncan Bannatyne with that very awkward troll-inducing tweet (which he later removed) of a pic of him kissing his much-younger girlfriend and the news that they are trying for a baby too (by the way, guys, the minute people get together you don’t HAVE to procreate, yeah?).

And then, turning to my own world. Where to bloody start? It would seriously give Stenders a run for its money. 50-year age gaps, affairs, drama etc. You name it, we got it! And then the dude I was hopelessly into last year. Ditched me in favour of some girl way younger than him who, judging by her Instagram, is bland, humourless and takes pictures of dead animals. F.M.L.

But the bottom line of this, folks, is short-termism. Or as I like to call it ‘acting in haste, repenting at leisure’. 3 years ago – almost to the day – my ex-husband decided his ex-girlfriend was a better option than his wife and 4-year old. He made that decision with absolute clarity that that is what he wanted. 6 months later, they were finished and he was living in a flat that cost more than the mortgage on our family home, seeing his only child for a few short hours a week. Fast forward to now, he is still alone (well ish, unless you count the various ‘friends’ that come and go), has no job, regrets bitterly what he has done and sends regular messages to me saying he still loves me.

Life is to be lived, I get that and in one of my earlier posts I talked about how powerful animal instincts are but if people stopped and thought even for a moment – about the unintended consequences of their actions – they just might not find themselves dragging themselves through the “oh, f***, what did I do?” inevitable stage a few weeks/months/years later.

Gen Y is not the Next Best Thing…”IMO”

Hey listen, I know there are no guarantees when it comes to dating. When you embark on something new with someone, there is always a risk of it not working, them meeting someone they like more etc etc but the online world of dating magnifies this risk beyond all measure. And this is even more stark if you are a Generation X person wading about in the Generation Y quagmire.

I’ve been seeing someone. Yep, kept it on the big down low but it’s been really actually quite lovely spending time with someone, getting texts every morning, getting little presents, having someone to cook for again and even seeing a little friendship blossoming between him and my daughter. I don’t introduce people to her lightly. In fact, this is the first person I have. And next week, I was due to be introduced to his best friend. I felt good about this, in check with my fear and my feelings and generally pleased with the direction of travel.

You can feel a ‘but’ coming, right?!!

So then I hear talk of this Bumble app and everyone saying how stunning all the guys were and how they were all too good to be true. So, I downloaded to have a nosey. I promise there was no more intent than that. And a few profiles in, of course, there he was. Now, as I said, it is early days, we haven’t had ‘the chat’ and I know it’s 2015 so his profile is still likely to be on every dating app going.

But see, here’s the problem. His photo was one he sent me when he was on a work trip i.e. when we were ‘together’. So, clearly still swiping. I was hurt, I won’t lie, and screengrabbed it and sent it to him. He doesn’t see the big deal at all, thinks I am massively overreacting and maintains it’s me he’s into. An old photo and I would totally give him the benefit of the doubt. I mean, jeez, my profiles are still dotted about here and there. But the thing is, however much he enjoys my company (and my daughter’s), isn’t the player type and is usually brutally honest, he still clearly has the ‘Next Best Thing’ syndrome that blights dating in 2015.

I’m honestly not asking for the moon. I have a busy life and loads going on but I won’t compromise on wanting – and deserving – respect. You want to speak to me every day and see me 2/3 times a week, fine, but at least do me the common courtesy of dialling down the swiping while you see if this thing has legs. And definitely, definitely don’t use a pic you took to send to me to try to trade up to a better model!

I spent my entire marriage shackled to someone with chronic ‘FOMO’ (Fear of Missing Out). I sure as sh*t cannot be dealing with that sort of approach 3 years on.

I won something!

I wouldn’t say I was a prolific blogger…or even a particularly good one. So imagine my surprise last night to be nominated by Lady Writes for a Liebster Award for being the smartest and sassiest woman she knows. During a week where I have been knee-deep in work and the cold I have feels like it’s developing into Ebola, this was welcome news indeed.

I’m still working out what this award means and will no doubt be updating this when Lady Writes spells it out for me but I do know I need to answer some questions. As I’m anonymous and don’t intend changing that any time soon, I may have to change the names/details to protect the innocent but here goes…

1. What is the personal achievement that you are most proud of?

Easy. Bringing my daughter up on my own while holding down a senior full-time job and also achieving various long-held goals linked to my hobby. My driver is to never short-change anyone in doing all this and that makes for a very busy life and very little ‘down time’ but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

2. If you were a cocktail, which one would you be?

Espresso Martini. No question. Classy, slick and lifts your spirits.

3. If you were stuck in a lift with any five people, who would they be?
Oh God, how awful. Not a big fan of confined spaces or prolonged small talk.
1. My daughter (predictable but just never tire of her)
2. My colleague, A (morale in a can)
3. My friend, ‘X’ (Would keep us entertained)
4. Scott Eastwood (my latest celebrity crush)
5. A lift engineer

4.Where do you see yourself in five years time?

In a home in my dream location. I’m going to make it happen.

5. What was your nickname at school?
Possibly risking my anonymity here but pretty confident the little wretch who coined it will never stumble on this blog….It was “rat” apparently on account of my largely malnourished, scrawny look. I only hope if he met me now, he’d be seriously kicking himself (floppy-haired, miserable b*stard!!!).

6. Is adulthood what you expected?
In some ways yes and some ways no. I always wanted to have an exciting and important career and I’ve done that and still have loads more I want to achieve.

On the relationship front though: not at all. I grew up obsessed with princesses and Princess Diana’s wedding day excited me beyond belief. Interesting then, that she and I should end up squarely in the ‘unlucky in love’ camp. Maybe it isn’t luck and maybe we were/are the architects of our own misfortune but the only thing I can say is that I have backed a shedload of losers!!

7. Describe your perfect day?
Waking up to sunshine, going for a run, going to a musical with my daughter, having an amazing meal with a gorgeous man and then meeting up with my girls for champagne, cocktails and dancing.

8. If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Avocado! Wonder food.

9. What inspires you the most?
Generally a perfect oration. Speech delivery is a gift and a talent and I could listen to those who can do it for hours. I once had tears rolling down my face at a conference full of serious men in suits and I didn’t even care. I know they were probably envious that they couldn’t let it out in the same way.

10. Who is the person who’s made the biggest impact, or left the biggest mark on your life?

My grandmother. A wonderfully inspiring and good-natured woman who never judged and thought the world of her family. I am also yet to meet anyone who has rivalled her comic timing. Miss her every single day and feel cheated by how soon she was taken.

11. Why do you blog?
I find it cathartic. My brain doesn’t switch off. I am always thinking and I finding writing a blogging a good way to channel those thoughts and opinions. I guess I could just write a diary so not quite sure why I feel the need to go public but maybe sometimes my ramblings might resonate with others and shared perspectives or discussions can sometimes lead to solutions to problems.

I did this on the train into work. I’ll do Part 2 of nominating others later!!

What’s all this “fallback” business?

A couple of people have asked me to explain why I keep using the word “fallback”. Well, basically, I got it from the hilariously funny @despandthecity. It’s used in reference to turning someone down in a frustrated manner (usually because they keep rocking up unexpected or unwanted). I think it was originally a military expression meaning to retreat or to disengage from action against an enemy.

It’s the perfect hashtag really and I get to use it a lot with my boomerang boys. I never actually say it to them but it’s what I’m thinking when they pop up bold as brass with their “hey”s.

In other news, am feeling hugely positive and strong at the moment. Have been doing lots of stuff not related to online dating and it’s making me happy and very self-confident. Don’t even mind the long, dark Autumn/Winter nights that are looming. They can #fallback! ✋🏽 ; )